AutoEulogy/Farewell Address

Not long ago I asked God if there was any pain I wasn’t dealing with…He asked me to write a eulogy/goodbye letter to the old me. I laughed at first. I thought, “Why on earth would I need to more someone so toxic, selfish, and destructive? Good riddance!” I was immediately checked with a realization: if my old self is truly dead like I believe he is…I need to grieve and mourn him just like I would need to grieve and mourn anyone if they died. Especially if they’ve been in my life for a long time, no matter how toxic of a person they were. I figured, in reference to myself, this must be even more true. So one day I finally sat down and was obedient. I made it through the eulogy fairly well, but the goodbye letter did a whole number on me and went in a direction I did not expect and did not have a map for. I figured I should share with everyone so here it goes…

 

Jordan Bryce Jost was a man who always felt he needed to prove himself or explain himself. He was perpetually ruled by fear, constantly second-guessing every decision he made, even if it was so evidently the right one. He spent a lot of his time dreaming and loosely planning all the things he truly wanted to do. He loved to sing, read, and participate in typically anything that involved music. He was always very passionate about his voice but was plagued by insecurity and apathy everywhere he went, always convinced it was better to not even attempt a step in the direction of a dream than to give something, anything, everything he had and still fall short, still not be enough. He was brilliant, full of talent, and had the ability to make others laugh particularly with his animated storytelling. He made sure to surround himself with people who reveled in living inside their comfort zones, to subconsciously ensure he would never be pushed outside his own. Many opportunities were passed up by Jordan for the sake of comfort, to avoid potential anxiety as well as certain embarrassment and failure, or so he thought. Though he had an uncanny ability to influence and lead those around him, he never embraced it. Therefore he unknowingly guided many into paths of destructive behavior that mirrored his own. Without realizing it, he made many people feel better about their own sinful lives while also blatantly encouraging many to press into sin and all it had to “offer”. Before he knew it, his life became the most comfortable prison he never meant to create, yet he had no idea he was even a prisoner. He distracted himself from the emptiness inside him with mountains of cigarettes, selfish sexual exploits, drunkenness, and harmful humor. There wasn’t much he wouldn’t forsake for a buzz and a laugh. His ever-growing physical insecurities pushed him to seek affirmation and compliments in the opposite sex, which he often received, creating an endless pursuit of said compliments. Many people saw infinite potential in Jordan, even at a young age, but he was never able to see it in himself. He was typically extremely hard on himself internally ranging from his battle with social anxiety to his general apathy and “inability”. Subconsciously searching for the solution to his problems in a girlfriend or potential wife, he “loved” intensely once he’d come across a girl who’d give him the time of day that he considered was the “best he’d ever get”. Self-love was nonexistent in Jordan’s life, therefore his “love” for others, particularly significant others, was decrepit and sickly. The ones that would match his insecurity and rapidly intensifying infatuation would be cast aside after several months. Once he realized they couldn’t be his god and solve all his problems he was out, typically departing in an immature and selfish manner. What also sent him running was being called to face his pain and problems and be a better version of himself. But those he was “committed” to he would go to great lengths to take care of them, spend time with them, and make sure they felt loved. He loved to spoil those he loved and even those he didn’t even know. When the money was right he’d often lavish those he cared about with gifts because he himself loved gifts. He’d often give his entire wallet to those in need if he was in a drunken stupor. He particularly loved to give gifts that he knew would bring the other person to a happier place or cause them to think of him. When the money was wrong, he would get stressed and expect the same “generosity” in return but on his terms and timeline. He dealt with death very poorly and it would typically send him on a self-destructive spiral. It would give him one more excuse to party like there was no tomorrow. He loved to smile and absolutely loved to laugh, this drew people toward him often as his presence did bring people joy at times. He had knowledge of God but held tightly to his lifestyle and his own way. He didn’t want to be one of the weirdos his dad would point out in church worshiping without a care in the world. He didn’t want another reason for people to make fun of him. He didn’t want to give up so much of the music he consumed often which he knew was heinous. He couldn’t fathom a life without some sort of drunkenness at every single future social gathering or event. If you asked him he was “having the time of his life” even amidst a European study abroad trip consisting mostly of blackouts and littered with ambulance rides, hospital visits, and letting down his peers and professors. He knew he’d jump in, both feet first, to a relationship with God once he finally submitted to him but he was just never “ready”. So his talks about God were limited to painful nights of “revelation” he couldn’t remember followed by a swift return to his vomit shortly after. He deeply desired a wife and kids, but knew ultimately he would have to deal with and fix so much in himself and wasn’t convinced that was actually possible. It would also require a sacrificial and selfless love he didn’t have. He loved ninety percent of animals and looked forward to showing them affection regularly. He quit and ran away from nearly everything he ever started at the first sight of difficulty, discouragement, or constructive criticism. In short, Jordan never really lived. He never pursued his gifts, his potential, his faith, his best self, growth in any form, self-love, or perseverance. He carried an immense fear of death because deep down he knew his “life” had been wasted on nothing of value. 

 

Dear the old “Jordan”, 

 

I find it oddly painful to say goodbye to you but I know it must be done. You were comfortable, you were “me” for almost thirty years. But no more. I’m not going back to the comfort of you. I’m not going to go looking for you. I’m not going to go find you. I’m not going to try to resuscitate you. I’m not going to keep a shrine of you in the bedroom or closet or photo album. I’m not going to sit at your tombstone every day. I’m not going to carry on your traditions. I’m not going to wear your clothes. I’m not going to carry on your attention-seeking behavioral patterns. I’m not going to wear your shoes. I’m not going to drag your ashes around everywhere I go. I’m not going to partake in your destructive activities solely for remembrance sake. I’m not going to lug your corpse across the globe for the rest of my life. You were an illusion of fulfillment, toxic by nature, wearing your coffin like your favorite pair of blue jeans. We shared so many memories, so many laughs, I’m fully aware. I’m also aware that even you wouldn’t want me wasting my life mourning you. That even you, with all your faults, would have wanted more for me. That even you would have laid down your life, if you knew it meant that I would finally live, really and truly live a life of abundance. If you knew the freedom Christ had to offer, if you knew how much was available to me, you’d have handed me the loaded gun with tears in your eyes and the biggest smile on your face. If you truly understood even the smallest fraction of the love waiting for me, you would’ve winked, waved, and stepped in front of a train many years ago, without an ounce of hesitation. If you had eyes that could see the prison you allowed to be built around me, you would have shut yourself inside and set it on fire with an unmatched twinkle in your eye. If you truly believed the life I have now was an option, and the percentage I MIGHT choose it was so small it was almost nonexistent, you would have orchestrated your own death long ago. You would’ve gladly let people you love so dearly strip you, beat you beyond recognition to the brink of death, spit on, mock you, laugh at you, while you drug the tree you knew they would kill you on up a hill as a bloodied mess that barely looked human. As they watched you suffocate you would beg for their forgiveness. You would experience separation from any joy you’d ever known or ever would know while taking your last breaths. You’d do all of this, with so much love in your heart, if you thought MAYBE I’d choose the endless life and love I now have. Rest easy my friend, I’ve found it. I’ve said yes. And Jesus endured it all for the both of us. The fear, the insecurity, the pain, the selfishness, the anxiety, the unforgiveness….I now walk in endless freedom from all of it. There’s no more chains, no more prisons, no more bondage of any kind. There’s only love. Infinite, indescribable, immeasurable love. Boundless love in which the end can never be found. And I now get to share this love…with everyone. That they too might know what they have access to. That they too might know the unimaginable lengths the person they are now would go to just so they might have what I now have, regardless of how small the chance. Christ is now right where He belongs, where he always wanted to be, where I always wanted Him to be whether I knew it or not…on the throne of my heart. How could I want anything more? Goodbye old friend.

 

Love Always,

The real Jordan